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20 Jokes To Improve Your Day
The folks at Reputation X put together a list of our top 20 best jokes for you to enjoy. They may not all be clean, but they are funny. Have fun!
They Grow Up So Fast
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
"Dear, Dad. It is with regret and sorrow I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is much older than I. But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15 and know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over and said to Mary, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
Mary calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."
The Dancing Gardener
A wealthy woman was giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attended. While the party ensued, two gardeners were out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.
Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!"
When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, she yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?"
How Long Till a Haircut?
This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?"
Bill looks at him and says, "To your house."
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.
A woman is hurrying along a sidewalk when she hears a voice: "Stop! Don't take another step!"
The woman freezes and notices that with one more step she would have stumbled over a raised part of the pavement.
She moves on somewhat shaken when she hears the voice again: "Stop! Don't do it!!"
She stops, petrified, and realizes that she had almost walked into a lamp post. She leans against it to compose herself when she hears the voice again, this time quite relaxed: "I am your guardian angel," says the voice, "I assume you might have a question or two to ask me."
"Just one," answers the woman. "Where were you on my wedding day???!!!"
Three women are all about to get married.
The first woman says, "My fiancée works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy. I like that."
The second woman says, "My fiancée works in a hardware store. He always fixes stuff around the house. I enjoy that."
The third woman shakes her head and says, "My fiancée works in marketing. He just sits around and tells me how great our marriage is going to be."
- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )
- Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
- If you are surrounded by the ocean, you are an island. If you don't have an ocean all around you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend anymore. (Kylie, age 6)
- A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 7)
- My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
- When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like really? (Helen, age 7)
- I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
- Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
- On vacation, my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
- The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
- My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!"
He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody.
He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"
"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
Things Falling Off
A man told the following story:
"This morning, as I was getting dressed, one of my shirt buttons fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to use the restroom."
A guy was driving a Yugo on the interstate when it broke down. A short while later, a Porsche stopped and the driver offered to give the Yugo a tow.
"If I go too fast," said the Porsche driver, "honk your horn."
So the Porsche set off with the Yugo in tow.
A few miles down the road, a Corvette pulled alongside the Porsche. The Corvette driver called out, "I bet I can outrace you with that thing in tow behind you."
The Porsche driver was up for the challenge and the two cars sped off side by side down the highway. Two State Troopers watched in disbelief as the cars flew by.
"Did you see that Porsche and Corvette racing neck and neck?" said one.
The other said, "Yeah. And what about that little Yugo flying along behind them, honking his horn, trying to pass?"
The New Chemist
A student in chemistry class was instructed to create a new substance by mixing some special ingredients with water.
But the student chose the wrong ingredient and the teacher realized mixing it with water would create an explosion.
He stopped the student and asked him to first stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the ingredient.
The student wanted to know what that would accomplish.
The teacher answered, "It will give me time to get away."
Judge: "The jury has found you not guilty of fraud. You may leave."
Defendant: "Does that mean that I can keep the money?"
When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked five-year-old Sammy how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad."
A caseworker visits a single mother with five kids for a welfare check up,
"What a nice family you have here, what are the children's names? "
Well, the mother said "the three-year-old is Leroy", "and the others" replied the caseworker, "the four-year-old is Leroy, the six-year-old is Leroy, the seven-year-old is Leroy"... "Ok, ok, I get the drift," said the caseworker..."Why did you name them all Leroy?"
Well it saves me a lot of time, when I hear a thump I just shout "Leroy pick that up... or Leroy go to bed...or Leroy leave the dog alone"...l don't have run around to see who actually did it...
So if you want to address a specific child how do you do it?
I just call them by their last name...
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was shocked that she would ask such a question but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Carefully and gently he began to explain, leaving nothing out, telling her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of sex. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask me this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
Smack Him Again!
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
The mom pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked little Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed, 3-year-old what she thought about what she just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place! Smack him again!"
The Single Girl Across the Street
She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up to my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get naughty tonight. Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you look after my dog?"
A man is sitting at his table in the hotel dining room with a bowl of soup in front of him. He calls the waiter over and asks him to taste the soup.
"Is the soup too cold?" asks the waiter.
"Taste the soup," says the man.
"Is it too salty?" asks the waiter.
"Taste the soup!" says the man.
"Is there a fly in it?" asks the waiter.
"JUST TASTE THE ****ING SOUP WILL YA!" the man insists.
The waiter looks down: "OK then...Where is the spoon?"
The man exclaims, "Aha!"
A preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church.
After shaking a few adults' hands he came upon the eleven-year-old son of one of the Deacons of the church. "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand. As he was doing so he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand.
"What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face. "It's for you."
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause, Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we have ever had and I want to help you."
The Good Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $2,200,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $2,000,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra two-hundred-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"